Catnip
by Iris Musicia
Summary: Kitty decides to see how Kurt reacts to catnip, but unfortunately for Kurt, catnip in a bag looks a lot like illegal drugs . . . Kurtty. Total Crack fic!
1. Catnip

**Disclaimer: omg u guys**

**A/N: I'm really sorry about this update! I fell asleep at some crazy early hour like eleven, and when I woke up, at 2:30, I was covered in blood, my door was open (it was closed before), and my laptop was gone. So I had to remake my bed, then wander around the upstairs bloody confused (excuse the pun) for a while until I found my laptop on my bookcase – somebody must've come in and taken it off my bed after I fell asleep. Jesus Christ. So yeah . . . and I only have, like, 1-1/2 hours of battery. Once again, really sorry . . .**

**Catnip**

Everybody said Kurt was catlike. Even Kurt said Kurt was a little catlike. So you know what Kitty decided to do? Get catnip and see how he reacted.

"Thank you," Kitty walked out of the local pet supply with the bag of catnip. It looked all dried up and stuff and smelled like tea, but cats like it.

When Kitty got back to the mansion, she took one of Kurt's old sweaters and rubbed a little catnip into it, then went to find Kurt with the sweater in hand. She found him zoning out on the couch in the rec. room, half asleep. Kitty smiled maliciously before chucking the sweater in his face and running like hell.

Kurt jumped up and batted the sweater away, his heart hammering.

"Vat ze hell?" he asked to the room. He picked up the sweater and was leaving the rec. room to put it back when he stopped in the hallway. Kurt shot a nervous glance down the hall before jumping into his room and closing the door quickly. _Damn_, his sweater smelled good!

Kurt's head swam with the smell of the catnip, and he couldn't help but smile like an idiot. He was just happy. He rubbed the sweater over his exposed fur, ignoring the scratchy wool, and eliciting a purr. As Kitty phased silently into the corner of his room, Kurt closed his eyes contentedly, burying his face in the sweater.

Kitty snorted and had to fall through the wall again before being overcome by laughter. Rogue put down her book and glared at Kitty.

"What?"

"You – you – you should s-s-_see_ Kurt!" Kitty choked, clutching her sides and gasping for air, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes.

Rogue sighed and put her book down, going next door and poking her head around the door. Kurt had put the sweater on the bed, and was rubbing on it like a cat would, pawing the air, purring loudly, laughing faintly, sounding like an incredibly drunk or high person. Rogue had nothing to say.

"Hm." She grunted to Kitty, then started reading her book, but she couldn't help but chuckle.

"Isn't it hilarious?" Kitty asked, redoubling her laughter.

"He looks like a cat on crack." Rogue stated flatly, looking at Kitty over her book. Kitty howled with laughter, pounding the floor. Kitty said something unintelligibly that might have been "I know."

"What did you give him?" Rogue asked, an edge creeping into her voice. Kitty shook her head, still laughing hard.

Kitty took a shuddering breath and stopped laughing long enough to say,

"I put catnip on his sweater."

Rogue stared. Oh great. Kurt on catnip.

**Yeah, it's a short chapter, but I just want to get this posted ASAP. This won't be a long story, just a few chaps. Hope y'alls enjoy!**


	2. The Shepherd and the Cream

**DISCLAIMER!1! YAHOOOOOOO!**

**A/N : I'm just SLIGHTLY SPASTIC right now! Awesome! Hahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! COME HITHER, EDEL! ACK! KONG ON MY SCREEEN!**

_**CaTnIp**_

**The Shepherd and the Cream**

Kurt teleported down to the kitchen, looking around hungrily. He _needed_ sugar – now. Pulling open the fridge, he saw a can of whipped cream. He smiled evilly and snatched it, squirting it into his mouth. He licked his lips and teleported back upstairs, looking for the scent of the catnip, galloping along the hall on four legs, the can wrapped in his tail. Kurt skidded to a stop outside Kitty and Rogue's door. There it was.

He teleported in, landing on Rogue's bed.

"Oh mah Gawd! _Kurt_!" Rogue yelled, hitting him with her book. He barely noticed, springing onto Kitty and grabbing the bag of catnip in his teeth. Kurt's tail handed the whipped cream to him, and he took another shot of the sugary cream. Kurt smiled hugely, baring his fangs and looking at Kitty and Rogue demonically out of the corner of his eye. Kitty swallowed nervously.

Kurt threw back his head and laughed, disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

"What the crap did I do?" Kitty mumbled, staring at the dissipating cloud.

"You've killed us all." Rogue said plainly, staring at Kitty with hate.

_**CaTnIp**_

Kurt found himself in the park, without his image inducer. He looked around quickly and smelled the catnip, eyes closing in ecstasy.

"Hey!" Kurt opened his eyes and turned around, tail lashing. It was an oddly familiar girl. "Kurt, what are you _doing_ here?" Iris, Amanda's sister, asked, standing beside her German Shepherd, Edel. Edel cocked his head at Kurt.

"It's my house too," Kurt said, somewhat drunkenly. Iris arched an eyebrow at him. She shook her head, muttering something about "loopy mutant" and walked off, her dog following closely.

Kurt started cartwheeling and flipping, he was just so happy, in his happy place. Out of nowhere, a Kong came flying and smacked him in the head. He cried out in surprise and bared his teeth at the dog toy. Then 80 pounds of GSD came barreling into him. Kurt rolled over with the dog's momentum, and the Kong became trapped under Kurt's back. Edel sniffed madly over Kurt's body, using his nose as a lever to pry Kurt off the ground. Kurt shrieked with laughter. It tickled! [1]

Edel finally pulled his Kong away from Kurt and cantered off. His shrieks had attracted attention, and he stood, still laughing, pulled out the bag and took a pinch of catnip. Iris stared.

"Is that . . . ?"

"It is happy powder!" Kurt declared, staggering slightly. Iris's eyes were the size of tea saucers.

"Edel, _komm_!" she and Edel disappeared out the park gates quickly. Iris thought it was marijuana that Kurt was taking.

Iris burst into the Sefton house, and immediately shouted up the stairs.

"Amanda, your boyfriend's a druggie! He's on MJ!"

"IS NOT! Kurt wouldn't do that!"

"I went to the park with Edel, and he was there without his watch thingy, and he was jumping around like a lunatic! Then he took out this bag of MJ and called it happy powder!"

"The hell he did! Iris, you're seriously screwing with me, aren't you?" Amanda thundered down the stairs, the bottle of nail polish still in her hand, her nails wet. "You're serious? Not joking?"

Iris shook her head. Amanda ran back upstairs, digging through her room to find her cell phone.

*CATNIPFF!*

Kurt decided to go back to the mansion – he had eaten all his whipped cream. As he reappeared in the kitchen, hounding through the fridge for more chilled sugary things, Kitty's cell rang upstairs. Kitty, sitting on her bed, doodling, snatched her cell eagerly.

"'Lo?" she answered perkily.

"Kitty, it's Amanda. Kurt's on drugs." Amanda said flatly.

"What? No, he's—" Kitty protested, then cut herself off. "Oh crap. It's "marijuana", isn't it. Dammit, dammit."

"Did you give it to him?" Amanda demanded.

"Yeah, I did – no! Before you start yelling at me, listen! It's catnip! Catnip! Amanda, woman, listen!" Kitty shouted into her phone, but Amanda had already started chewing her out.

"Why would catnip make him act like he's _high_?" Amanda snarled at her phone, waiting for a response from the other end of the line.

"You know, Kurt's not really _normal_ normal, right? So, I thought it would be funny – stop it, Amanda! Just _shut up!_ Anyway! So I thought it would be funny to give him catnip to see how he reacted, and I didn't mean for it to happen, but he took the bag of catnip and ran off with it, I didn't know he went to a public—" Kitty explained, then froze as Amanda started.

"Kitty, he was _in the park_, eating catnip, which looks a lot like _marijuana_, without his image inducer! This is serious! My little sister just called the cops on him!"

"Oh shit! Sorry! I don't normally cuss, it's just—" Kitty gushed.

"Kit, I understand, just get him un-high, 'cuz the cops'll be there in a few minutes. Hurry!" Amanda hung up and Kitty leaped off the bed, phasing into Kurt's room, cursing him mentally for not putting his inducer in the charger. She scrounged through his drawers, until she pulled out the inducer. It had half power, but that would be good enough for the cops, right? They'd show up, she'd explain, Kurt would be sober, and hopefully that would be the end of it – she hoped.

"Kurt Wagner!" Kitty yelled, running down the hallway, hoping Kurt would respond.

In the kitchen, Kurt heard Kitty shouting and pricked his ears, but decided she wasn't important enough. Until he took another delicious sniff of the wonderful catnip. Then he bounced away to find her. Maybe she would play a game with him. Tag sounded fun.

Kitty was bowled over by a boisterous elf in the hallway. He smiled dopily in her face as their momentum rolled the two over. Kitty fought to snap the inducer around his wrist, but Kurt seemed to think it was a game. Snatching his hand away and laughing at the last second, Kurt bounded down the hallway, an irate Kitty sprinting behind, waving his inducer in the air.

Finally, she decked him and wrestled the image inducer onto his wrist, pinning him down wither hands and feet on his as he laughed giddily, eyes half closed in a haze of catnip. Just then, the doorbell rang—well, not rang, because the mansion was so big, it more like thundered. Kitty's head snapped up and she looked back nervously. The elf pinned beneath her was still drug-crazed and loopy. Biting her lip, Kitty went for a low blow. Kurt's eyes snapped open, but he remained completely silent, due to pain, except for a small squeak.

"C'mon, Wagner," she growled, pulling him up and leading him down the halls to the door, where Logan had answered. He quirked an eyebrow at Kurt, completely silent in pain but with a crazy gleam in his eye, and said nothing under the critical gazes of the three police officers.

"We're here about a call about someone named Kurt Wagner possessing illegal drugs." The first cop stated. Logan sighed.

"Yeah, here's Kurt."

Kitty spoke up quickly.

"Sir, it's not illegal drugs—"

"All the girlfriends say that. Just look at him, he's got that look like a high druggie—sorry, intoxicated person, in his eye. We're going to have to seize him and take him back to the station, as well as search this place," he looked up at the high ceiling of the foyer and the two curved staircases, "for any illegal narcotics. Johnson, radio for the K-9 unit," he said to a second officer.

Kitty glared at him. Just then, Kurt snapped out of his trance of pain. Cackling madly, he broke Kitty's grip and leaped away on four legs, much to the shock and horror of Logan, Kitty, and the police officers.

"This is definitely the oddest case of narcotics yet." Johnson muttered. The first police officer, who seemed to be in charge, took on a look like he was charging into battle.

"_Bag and tag, boys, let's BRING 'IM DOWN!_"

*catnipffz!*

**Ahaha! Second chappie, hoped you enjoyed it! I was really hyper when I started writing it, then round about the phone conversation, I got un-hyper. So yeah. **

**[1] I have a German Shepherd, Edel (I luvz my dogle) and he does this to me, and lemme tell you, it tickles SO MUCH!**

**The bag and tag thing came from my sister Mo (kudos to Mo for this story, it's her idea in my words, she's reading over my shoulder telling me what to write) when she was sledding down the stairs on her pillow, she screamed,**

"**BAG AND TAG BOYS, LET'S BRING IT DOWN!", and thus the idea of Catnip sprang forth from her slightly demented and permanently catnip-tinted mind, the whole story formed around that phrase. **

**Hope you enjoy the randomness of it! ;P :D**


	3. Cops and Squat Thrusts

**Ha ha, haven't updated this in FOREVER . . . loo loo loo . . . updating now . . .**

The cops took a mewling Kurt down to the station in the back of their squad, car speeding down the street, in handcuffs, and hauled him into interrogation and sat him down on the chair, where he looked with interest from one cop to the other. The leader-cop was behind the two-way mirror, watching and recording.

"What's your name?" the black-haired cop asked. His redhead companion and he had worked out their good-cop-bad-cop routine already.

Kurt looked at him, eyes widening like a maniac before shouting, "Leetle _Rumpletweezer!_" in a hoarse voice, making him sound very much like a dwarf. Or an undertaker.

The redhead cop took his turn, getting up in Kurt's face and bellowing the question like a water buffalo. "_What is your name!_"

Kurt blinked hard, insane grin on his face, wiped the spit off his forehead, and licked the cop's nose. "That's assault!" The cop shouted.

"A salt? Yes, I do like salt, sank you very much, you taste like salt," Kurt rambled, trying to lick the cop's nose again, and pouting when the cop leaned back quickly. Wide-eyed, the redhead turned to his black-haired friend, silent question etched on his face. They conferred quickly.

"I don't like the feeling I'm getting from him," the redhead said.

"Well, he _is_ high," the black-haired cop said. Their conversation was interrupted by Kurt crooning like the teachers on Charlie Brown mixed with a very lonely humpback whale. They didn't know it, but his image inducer was starting to die, malfunctioning magnificently. His whole hologram was slowed down, moving as if in a not-so-epic action sequence that consisted of falling off the chair and doing the worm as part of a spaz-routine on the floor, all the while crooning.

"Hey, hey, bud, back on the chair." The black-haired cop picked Kurt up by the forearms and placed him back in the chair. They continued their conversation for slightly longer before being interrupted again.

"Zis old man . . . he played two . . ." Kurt was singing in a spastic, high-pitched, wavering little boy voice. The cops looked at each other as if they wanted to run as Kurt cackled. "Hee hee hee . . . he played knick-knack on my shoe," his mouth was a perfect O, leaning forwards intently, staring at the cops.

Just then, his inducer completely died. The cops' eyes bugged out as the blue-furred high elf appeared in front of them.

"Oh my god, it's a blue monkey," the black-haired cop said softly.

"I'm not a monkey! Your mozzer is a monkey!" Kurt squealed in a wavering voice. The redhead cop looked offended.

"Don't you dare insult my mother!" he shouted back.

"I'll insult whoever I vont! _Your_ mozzer voz a hamster and your fazzer smelled of elderberries!" Kurt crooned at the black-haired cop.

"How _dare_ you steal from Monty Python!" the black-haired cop shouted indignation. Kurt just cackled. This prompted the lead-cop to storm into the room.

"Quit it, you high blue monkey!" the lead-cop bellowed. Kurt's eyes lit up and he leaped out the open door, right under the lead-cop's outstretched arm, his arms and tail streaming out behind him, high-pitched, screaming laughs piercing the air.

". . . crap." The redhead cop said flatly.

"Let it go. Just let it go." The lead-cop shook his head in surrender. This was the only high person he'd never been able to deal with.

Kurt galloped on four legs down the roads, heading back to the Institute, causing cars to swerve and nearly crash, which Kurt enjoyed immensely.

He arrived at the Institute, and was immediately bowled over by Logan. "MOVE, MOVE, I've got him down!" Rogue ran over to her half-brother and pressed her palms to his face, causing him to laugh more manaically.

"It's not workin'!" she shouted over his crazy laughter.

"He's got fur!" Logan yelled. Rogue pulled Kurt's eyelids up and put her finger on the bit of skin at the edge of his eyelid. He gave one last laugh that trailed off waveringly, eyes rolling back into his head.

Rogue sighed. "Good."

XXX

When Kurt woke up, he had a pounding headache, his mouth was dry, and his whole body ached like fire. He suspected that was what a hangover felt like.

"Och, dear _Gott_, vhat happened?" he groaned groggily. There was nobody in his room. He stumbled out of his door into the kitchen, where Ororo sat reading the paper calmly. He repeated his question.

"You got . . . high, child." Ororo said, turning from her paper to Kurt.

"Wha—how?" Kurt asked.

"We all assumed that you found some at school. Nobody really knows." Ororo said. Kurt put his head in his hands in defeat.

"Zis is all a horrible nightmare." He moaned.

"Amanda's younger sister called the police on you, and they arrested you." Ororo informed him, looking down her nose at the paper.

"_Vot_?.!" He shouted, outraged, jumping up. Ororo merely nodded.

"Don't worry, though, Charles was kind enough to give you your _one_ free pass and cleared the arrest from your records. He hopes that you can understand the seriousness of the situation. Do _not_ do drugs, ever again, Kurt. We are all _very _disappointed." Ororo said in a perfectly level voice. Kurt felt a lightning bolt of guilt spear him viciously. He hated when adults pulled the "disappointment" card instead of just yelling.

"Yes, ma'am." He said soberly, nodding and leaving the room. He was in _trouble._

XXX

A few hours later, Kurt was cleaning up his room, and he came across a sweater strewn on his bed. He picked it up and threw it into the laundry. Moments later, he sneezed, cupping his hands around his mouth and nose. He drew in a breath, and smelled something delicious on his hands.

"Ooh," he purred, inhaling more deeply, and slithering to the floor to prowl on elbows and knees to the laundry basket, where the delicious smell was the strongest. He grabbed the sweater and held it triumphantly up, burying his face in it, purrs rolling.

"DR session in two!" Logan stormed down the hall bellowing, slamming on doors. Kurt giggled softly, some part of his brain registering he had to change.

"Rumpletweezer's _back!_" he purred softly.

XXX

In the Danger Room, all the X-Men were assembled. Scott stood at the head of the group.

"Okay, we're going to do some warm-ups first. Pushups! Ready, begin!" All the X-Men counted in unison, though Kurt was rocking back and forth on his heels, scratching the spot between his eyes with the tip of his tail, smiling broadly, staring crazily at the wall.

"Mountain climbers! Ready, begin!" the new round of exercises began, and Kurt shifted his position to one in which he was lying on his side, curled into a backwards circle, back arched, tail touching his nose as he stared cross-eyed at it. Oddly enough, nobody noticed, even though he was panting wetly like a dog after a drink on a summer day.

"Squat-thrusts! Ready, begin!"[1] The X-Men stood in unison, then jumped down into the push-up position, then jumping and bringing their knees up to their chests before standing and repeating the process. Kurt, however, had other ideas.

He stood and stared at the X-Men for a moment before bending his knees and thrusting his hips forward, shouting, "Squat-_thrust! _Squat-_thrust!_ Squat-_thrust!_"

The X-Men stared at him in horror, aghast.

"He's high again!" Rogue shouted. It would have been the perfect time for the scene to erupt into chaos, like in a movie, but they all dog-piled him and forced him down, a person on each limb, including Kitty sitting on his chest and Scott holding his head down, though Kurt was attempting to lick Scott's fingers.

"I _liiiike_ catnippy!" Kurt cried, sneezing on Kitty, who recoiled.

"Catnip?" Evan asked.

"Caaaaaat_niiiip_!" Kurt sang. Kitty started to look very guilty, and Rogue was too.

"Who gave him catnip?" Scott bellowed.

"I did . . . I wanted to see how he'd react." Kitty's guilt-ridden answer was permeated by Kurt's soprano screeches of "catnip!"

"Ah didn't tell anybody, 'cause I thought ah'd get Kit in trouble." Rogue admitted. Scott glared at the two from behind his visor.

"Rogue, zap him, please. Kitty, I'm not letting you anywhere _near_ any herbs forever." Scott instructed. Kurt was put out cold via the skin around his eyes, and the X-Men dispersed to their rooms.

When Kurt woke up, he shook his head to clear it, and after a few minutes of internal debate, started to clean his very messy room, picking up a renegade sweater and throwing into the hamper. He suddenly sneezed, cupping his hands around his mouth and nose.

Hey . . . that smelled good . . .

XXX

XXX

**Oh yes, I ended it this way. Thank you for everyone who read and reviewed and bore with me on the slow updates. Catnipff is finally complete! :D**


	4. The Green Lantern and the Banister

**Har har, couldn't resist a bonus! My sis is hyper again, and she's rambling, and it's perfect Catnip material! Yay!**

_Somewhere far off in the future . . ._

All the X-Men were seated around the dinner table, eating, when the sound of a fork tapping a glass hushed the conversation. Kurt stood and looked around, eyes unusually bright, as if he were about to pull a great prank. "Excuse me, I have _vone_ zing to say . . ." He began, arching his back and bending into a C shape away from the table.

"_Green Lantern's LIGHT!_" He bellowed, thrusting his hips forward and launching himself across the room, flying over the head of Logan before landing stuck to the doorframe, cackling.

"Christ, not again! Somebody send him to rehab!" Rogue shouted, leaping up and running after Kurt as he left the room. The rest of the X-Men jumped up and followed at a run (or a very fast roll). Kurt was nowhere to be seen in the hallway, which worried them. Suddenly, from the dark recesses of the left end of the hall, a maniac laughter sounded. They were all terrified.

Suddenly, Kurt came zooming out of the shadow on his stomach, moving at an inhuman speed. He was headed right for the banister in front of the X-Men, on a crash course. Kitty looked like she was about to step in and stop him, but he was moving too fast. His torso bent and he slithered up the side of the banister and right down the other side, continuing to zoom down the hall, laughing, leaving a trail of dead miniature spiders and flaming dust bunnies in his wake. His laughter faded as he sped into the shadow of the right side of the hallway.

The group was completely silent until Logan growled, "Tell me I'm havin' a nightmare."


	5. Bejewled and TBA

**And now, ladies and germs, the moment you've all been waiting for! Iris Musicia presents **_**Catnip, chapter 5: Bejeweled**_**!**

Kitty was standing at the kitchen counter playing on her new iPod app, Bejeweled. It was a normal day. Bejeweled, for anybody who has ever played it will know, is highly addictive, and Kitty was playing on a particularly addictive timed version of it, called Diamond Mine. She was highly absorbed in her game, so she didn't notice when a puff of smoke appeared in the far corner of the kitchen, accompanied by a pianiss-iss-iss-imo (super-super-super quiet) soprano cackle. It sounded like a rusty gate hinge squeaking.

Kurt scanned the room, eyes huge, pupils incredibly dilated, hints of catnip wafting on his breath. He wrung his hands and crept on tiptoes over to Kitty, peering creeper-ish-ly over her shoulder. He took in the iPod game, observing brightly. The pretense was simple, easy to understand, even by Kurt's catnip-addled high-as-a-kite mind. Match the same-colored gems in groups of three next to the ground at the bottom of the screen and blow up chunks of the ground to a certain point to earn 30 more seconds in the round.

"Blue, blue, blue left," Kurt muttered in Kitty's ear, staring at a group of blue gems. Kitty afforded him a quick glance and moved the blue gem. "Yellow up. Up!" Kurt whispered excitedly, reaching for the iPod. Kitty smacked his hand away and scooted down the counter.

Kurt whined softly and trailed after her, continuing to gibber advice in her ears, no matter where in the kitchen she moved. Finally, Kitty paused the game and wheeled around, confronting Kurt.

"Will you _quit_ being such a backseat player?" She demanded, affronted. Kurt gave a small, bunny-rabbit-like grin. "I'm trying to beat my high score of a million, and you're being very annoying."

Kurt leaned slightly around Kitty, eyes fixated on the softly tinkling iPod. He licked his lips. Kitty got nervous. In a split second, they lunged at the same time. Kurt flailed at the small, unassuming electronic device, Kitty dragging back on his arm while reaching for it with her foot. Kurt was warbling like a strangled bird, and he grabbed the counter edge with his toes, pulling himself closer to Bejeweled heaven.

He whipped his tail up and smacked the iPod, making it jump a few inches farther, but finally succeeded in kicking it off the counter so violently it smacked him in the face in retaliation. Whining, Kurt picked it up with his tail, Kitty hauling on his arms, his toes in a vise-like grip on the counter so that he was suspended, horizontal to the floor.

Kitty released his arms and Kurt went catapulting into the cabinets, caterwauling like a wet, angry tomcat. He scrambled up, slithered off the counter, and scuttled out of the room, maniacal staccato cackles following him like wafts of smoke.

Through the entire mansion, the cackling blue cat-crab scuttled, passing many of the people too embarrassed to admit to knowing him on a personal level. He plowed down Scott's door and completed a lap of his room, oblivious to Scott's horrified, open-mouthed silent scream. The high blue . . . thing . . . played himself into a frenzied Bejeweled oblivion.

Out in the hallway, Kurt mowed down Jean like a lawnmower takin' down an overgrowed weed. She was left confused on the floor with the sheer what-the-heck factor of the situation, as Kurt disappeared into the blinking, dim sunset of fluorescent lights.

As he ran (or rather, scuttled, because running on two legs and a tail, but only a few inches from the floor really has no good classification), he started frothing at the mouth, his score approaching 500,000. He passed Ororo and Evan and Rogue, loosing a shrill shriek of excitement as he blew up the whole screen. Ororo's eye started twitching, and Evan whipped out his camera-phone. Rogue started ripping her hair out in sheer, utter defeat.

Kurt's cackles grew more insane as he played on and on, bounding in a crab-like fashion past Professor Xavier, who nearly dropped the saucer and teacup he had been so peacefully and poshly sipping out of. Doing a double take, the Professor twisted around in his chair to watch Kurt disappear, only to choke on his tea as the blue elf did a perfect, almost instantaneous U-turn. He was headed straight for the Professor.

Fearing for his life, Professor X desperately dove out of his wheelchair, flying in slo-mo as Kurt crashed into the chair, shattering it like a little kid kicking a dandelion so gleefully.

The Professor, incapacitated on the floor, could only watch as Kurt barreled like a steam locomotive of utter insanity towards the wall.

"Kurt, _no!_" The Professor cried in unison with Scott and Jean, who had appeared at the top of the stairs. Almost miraculously, Kurt flew up the wall like he was in an asdfmovie, leaning back like he was in a hammock, enjoying his stolen Bejeweled addiction as his disjointed legs motored ahead, turning into a blur.

Aghast, the helpless onlookers watched as Kurt smacked into the ceiling like a wet rag and fell, still looking very much like a wet rag, but landed in a perfect crab position, concentration unbroken, unlike a wet rag (thank God, unless you live somewhere where wet rags do such things. If so, I recommend you flee, like Professor X).

"He's heading towards the Danger Room!" Jean pointed out pointlessly, as everyone could see the big, steel doors marked "Danger Room" at the end of the hallway, right in front of Kurt, who was rapidly approaching Mach 1.

The X-Men assembled and watched, hoping the elf, who was now gobbling and cackling like a turkey, would be stopped by the three-foot thick steel and adamantium and concrete (with a hint of titanium and Kevlar) doors.

No such chance.

Kurt blasted a hole through those bad boys like it was tissue paper and he was Spock's laser gun. (Well, the laser that came out of Spock's laser gun, but I'm going to stop before this turns into a sick joke).

Inside the Danger Room, Kurt broke the sound barrier and marched through the ranks until he was moving at a swift Mach 5. The X-Men crept cautiously to the hole and peered through (the Professor dragged himself, demonstrating Chuck-Norris-like strength and speed).

"Where's Logan?" Kitty asked. Just then, though, the Danger Room came alive, and they could see Logan's determined (if slightly deranged) face in the window of the control booth. Electrified tentacles shot out of the walls, and by sheer dumb luck Kurt avoided them.

His luck nearly ran out (or he nearly outran it) when a tentacle cropped up right in front of it, but his uncanny, if mildly creepy, agility and province allowed him to run along the tentacle like it was Route 66 and his destination was bust. Mind you, he was still sitting back like he was in a hammock, his legs circling furiously in front of him, his tail acting like a third leg under his back.

Kurt's insane, frantic gobbles chased him around the DR, reverberating out of the mansion and into the forests of New England . . .

But back in the DR, Kurt's face stretched into wide-eyed, drop-jawed psycho-concentration as his score broke the 950,000 mark. His fingers flew like they'd grown wings (or that might've been the fur forming little turkey wings) and jewels lined up for him to blow up. The score blazed past him almost as fast as his legs.

The X-Men were completely silent, watching this amazing display of skill that would put ninja masters to shame. Even Logan went still, and the DR became a showcase of Kurt's magical high-ness. Nobody but Kurt dared move or make a sound.

His gobbles were the only thing they could hear, apart from their heartbeats, hearts in their throats as they watched the elf-cat-crab-turkey imitate Speed Racer playing Bejeweled.

Suddenly, though, the unthinkable happened.

Kitty sneezed.

Kurt's concentration was shattered like Professor X's wheelchair. The timer on the iPod tinkled lightly and Kurt stopped. Dead stopped. And fell like a wet rag. And stuck the landing like a wet rag. And was silent . . . like a wet rag.

Kitty inched towards the wet rag, aiming to retrieve her poor, abused, frightened iPod. Then she saw the score.

"999,999 . . . he didn't beat a million." Kitty said _just_ loud enough for the X-Men to hear.

Kurt didn't even breathe, he was so shocked. The X-Men came to pick him up and console him, but when their fingers were only millimeters away from his fur, he went absolute Defcon-4.

But this Defcon-4 made the entire mansion blowing up look _tame_, like a dandelion wafting into the wind.

This Defcon-4 was a true supernova of the catnip kind. Kurt leapt up, gobbling at the top of his lungs, limbs flying in every direction, tail smacking Professor X across the face, and teleported.

He didn't just disappear, though. He reappeared _everywhere_ in the mansion, almost simultaneously. Kitchen, rec room, bedrooms, bathrooms, greenhouse, basement, office, even the roof—no place was left untouched.

Every place heard the pain and desperation in the gobbles of the mighty Kurt the High.

And from every place within a 50-mile radius, they answered their leader's calls.

XXX

**Buh-buh-buh-**_**baaaaaaah!**_** *failed horror music* I'M BAAAAACK! So, didja miss me? Huh? Huh? Huh? I betcha did! I'm too dang lovable! This chappie was fun to write, so I hope y'allz review (even you wondeeful anony-moose reviewers—I'm an equal opportunity review-lover). It would make me happy, almost high-Kurt-happy, minus the high-ness. :)**

**The titanium and Kevlar DR doors is a nod to my fantastical boyfriend, who loves titanium and Kevlar (sometimes I suspect more than me ;P ). And the asdfmovie thing—if you haven't seen all 5 asdfmovies, I COMMAND, I COMMAND YOU to go watch them right now! I promise it won't waste your time at all. They are genuinely funny!**

**The next chapter of Catnipff (already written, holla!) shall be posted when my twisted mind and overinflated ego is stroked by enough reviews. How's **_**that**_** for a mental image? I just love doing that to people! XD**

**So YOLO and laugh a little!**

**Love,**

**Yours truly,**

**Sincerely, but I'm too hyper to be sincere,**

**TTYL,**

**Might get there eveeeeentually,**

**IRIS MUSICIA**


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